


Three Shots of Rumination

by AndreUlliel



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: M/M, Reflection, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 06:28:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4511442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndreUlliel/pseuds/AndreUlliel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First, you'll think the worst is going through the ordeal. What's going to kill you is the second part of coping just to heal. And the third is when you achieve the resolution. That's when you know you've reached all three shots of rumination.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First, you'll think the worst is going through the ordeal. (If Heaven)

**Author's Note:**

> Undying Disclaimer: All characters belong to Takeshi Konomi.
> 
> This work is a three-part songfic of mostly music and musings.

**_If heaven was an hour it would be twilight_ **

**_When the fireflies start their dancing on the lawn_ **

**_And supper's on the stove and mama's laughing_ **

**_And everybody's working day is done_ **

 

The sun was dying out well before the day. From his hospital room, Yukimura watched the sunset bathe the skies in tinges of deep orange and vermilion. He could feel his time was almost up.

Rikkai Dai had just left after visiting their captain at the hospital. The scene was all too familiar for them but it scared them to see Yukimura in the hospital again. Despite the team's growing apprehension, Yukimura knew they tried their best to hide their worries from him. They were all smiles, even Sanada, who patted him reassuringly at the back. Niou, ever the trickster, tried to make him laugh with every trick he could think of conjuring. Marui propped himself next to Yukimura's night table, offering him one sweet treat after another. Kirihara sat beside his captain on the bed, telling him how much he wanted to be the best tennis player and saying that he would need Yukimura's guidance all the way. The presence of Yanagi, Yagyuu and Jackal were more than enough to bring cheer to the otherwise somber ambiance of the room.

 

**_If heaven was a town, it would be my town_ **

**_Oh, on a summer day in 1985_ **

**_And everything I wanted is out there waiting_ **

**_And everyone I loved is still alive_ **

 

Shiraishi arrived a few minutes after the Rikkai Dai regulars had gone. He came through the door, a smile spread across his face as he greeted Yukimura. After making sure his lover was comfortable and had everything he needed, Shiraishi sat down beside him and they held hands as they would often do.

Yukimura remembered the first time he came to Osaka as Shiraishi's significant other. It was summer then and he remembered every spot they visited. He especially liked it at the beach. They sat down on the sand together, planning activities they could do as a couple. They watched as the sea made waves after waves, and they talked of how endless the possibilities seemed for them. They had their whole lives ahead of them, and they planned to be together every step of the way. Shiraishi promised Yukimura that his love for him was as vast and deep as the sea. Every promise they made seemed so alive back then.

 

**_Don't cry a tear for me now, baby_ **

**_There comes a time we all must say goodbye_ **

**_And if that's what heaven's made of_ **

**_You know I, I ain't afraid to die_ **

 

For the first time since Yukimura's relapse, Shiraishi let tears flow from his eyes. Yukimura clutched his lover's hands tightly and showered his face with kisses.  _Don't cry, Suke, don't cry._ Yukimira couldn't stand to see him so pained.

Every smile that came from Shiraishi's lips was enough to make Yukimura forget the pain in his body. Shiraishi was his strength; he was the rock that steadied him, the Bible that inspired him to keep on fighting for love. Shiraishi's love was the reason Yukimura's heart never gave up. Shiraishi was his very lifeline. How could Yukimura ever leave him behind?

 

**_If heaven was a pie, it would be cherry_ **

**_So cool and sweet and heavy on the tongue_ **

**_And just one bite would satisfy your hunger_ **

**_And there'd always be enough for everyone_ **

 

He remembered Shiraishi surprising him with a delectable cake he himself baked specifically for Yukimura's birthday. Shiraishi was good at a lot of things but he always made extra effort for Yukimura. Yukimura only enjoyed sweets occasionally but that cake was something special. He loved every morsel Shiraishi spooned into his mouth. He savored the exquisite taste because every bite held the proof of Shiraishi's constant affection for him.

 

**_If heaven was a train, it sure would be a fast one_ **

**_That could take this weary traveler 'round the bend_ **

**_If heaven was a tear, it'd be my last one_ **

**_And you'd be in my arms again_ **

 

That night, Yukimura was in so much pain already that, for the first time, he completely entertained the thought of dying. He hoped death would be swift. He hoped to feel no more of the pain. His body was weakening every moment and it was only a matter of time before it would give away entirely.

If he likened life to a fabric, Yukimura knew that every strand had already been severed. The tear in the fabric was much too large already but a single strand remained steadfast, never letting go, never letting the fabric be torn all the way off. That strand was his Shiraishi. Only Shiraishi's voice could tug at his heart the way it did.

He wanted to cry and cry and cry until there were no more tears left. He could feel a strong sense of sleep pulling at him. But Yukimura did not want to close his eyes, not yet. For one last night, one last time, he wanted to be with Shiraishi. Yukimura wanted to hold him in his arms; he wanted to listen to Shiraishi's steady heartbeat.

Yukimura found himself thinking,  _if you're going to cry, my darling Shiraishi, please let it be tears of joy. You're alive and cradled in my love._

 

**_Don't cry a tear for me now, baby_ **

**_There comes a time we all must say goodbye_ **

**_And if that's what heaven's made of_ **

**_You know I, I ain't afraid to die_ **

 

He was most worried for Shiraishi. The Shitenhouji captain was remarkably strong but Yukimura knew that Shiraishi loved him too much. He didn't want to break his heart. He didn't want to go, but he had to say good bye.

He gazed at the sleeping face of the man beside him. Shiraishi insisted on staying at the hospital. Not once did he ever leave Yukimura's side. His breathing was soft, Yukimura noted, as he lifted a hand towards Shiraishi's cheek. He let his fingers glide, outlining every line on Shiraishi's face – the arch of his eyebrows, the bridge of his nose, the contours of his lips, his jaw line.

He was going to miss this face, this person so,  _so_  much. Yukimura felt hot tears stinging his eyes until a drop descended his cheek. One drop, two drops, three, and Yukimura was sobbing uncontrollably. He made sure not to make a sound so as not to awaken Shiraishi. He bent his body forward, enough to land a last kiss on Shiraishi's forehead.  _I'm sorry I have to leave_ , Yukimura whispered,  _I love you so much, Kuranosuke_.

 

**_Yeah, if that's what heaven's made of_ **

**_You know I, I ain't afraid to die_ **

 

Maybe in heaven, Yukimura hoped, they could resume their love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: "If Heaven" by Andy Griggs


	2. What's going to kill you is the second part of coping just to heal. (It's Getting Better All the Time)

**_I don't stop breathing every time the phone rings,_ **

**_My heart don't race when someone's at my door,_ **

**_I've almost given up thinking you're ever gonna call,_ **

 

The shrill sound of the telephone ringing off its hook usually excited Shiraishi. It meant his lover of two years, Yukimura, was on the other end, calling him all the way from Kanagawa just to ask him how his day went. On Shiraishi's part, all he wanted was to listen to Yukimura's voice and imagine that the Rikkai Dai captain was just beside him, whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

A knock on the door could mean Yukimura made a surprise trip to Osaka to visit Shiraishi. Yukimura was a very welcomed guest at the Shiraishi household. And every time he visited, he and Shiraishi would spend the entire night talking, gazing deep into each other's eyes, making love, making promises that were meant to make their relationship last forever.

But none of that was going to happen now. Three months ago, the gentle Yukimura suffered a relapse of his former disease, this time deadlier than the last. He became even more fragile, unable to take walks, unable to visit his blooming garden. A month ago, after a tremendous battle that never seemed to end, Yukimura's body defenses finally caved in and he succumbed to the disease. In his death, he became free of all the IV drips, all the tubes attached to his body. His disease clutched at Yukimura's very being tightly and only let go when the carrier breathed his last.

 

**_I don't believe in magic anymore,_ **

**_I just don't lie awake at night,_ **

**_Asking God to get you off my mind._ **

 

Shiraishi used to believe in miracles. He used to sit beside Yukimura's hospital bed while holding his hand and telling him that there might be a cure. Maybe Yukimura's vitals would look better tomorrow, maybe he would regain some of his strength and he could, miraculously, triumph over his illness.

When Yukimura died, Shiraishi spent the following nights staring blankly at his ceiling. He wished he could fall asleep and maybe that would take away his mind off Yukimura for a while but sleep never came.

Sleepless nights? Shiraishi could have them forever for all he cared. What was the point of temporarily letting sleep wash off the pain only to wake up to a new day and find that the light of his life, the love of his life was gone forever? Shiraishi started to believe that he would rather live in pain forever if that meant keeping Yukimura's memory alive and fresh.

 

**_It's getting better all the time,_ **

**_It's getting better all the time._ **

 

Who were they kidding? It wasn't getting any better and it looked like there wouldn't be any improvement for some time.

 

**_Yeah, I got to work on time again this morning,_ **

**_This old job is all that I got left,_ **

**_And no one even noticed I'd been crying,_ **

 

Shiraishi was still the captain of the Shitenhouji tennis club and he tried his damndest to remain as responsible and as focused on his duties because he felt like tennis is the only thing he got left. But deep inside, nothing could cover up the immense pain and sorrow and loneliness he was feeling. And inside his chest, where his heart used to be, was only a hollow space ever since Yukimura was gone.

He felt like he didn't understand the point of carrying on. But he was still captain and his teammates were still depending on him to lead them through tournament after tournament. After all, what was the point of a team if their unity wouldn't remain intact? But the more he tried to distance himself from the uproar of sorrow deep inside of him, the more he knew Yukimura's loss was real. He tried to keep appearances for the sake of Shitenhouji, especially for Kintaro because he didn't want their youngest member to feel traumatized.

And yet, life continued its normal course for everyone but Shiraishi. He didn't allow anyone to see him break down in his room every night, clinging on to Yukimura's old Rikkai Dai jersey, wishing against all hope that the latter was there with him.

 

**_At least I don't have whiskey on my breath,_ **

**_Yeah, I think I'm gonna make it,_ **

**_'Cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb._ **

 

Yukimura was known as the Child of God and he was still gone and nothing could bring him back. Shiraishi was almost tempted to drown himself in whiskey, or scotch, or any other hard liquor to temporarily cloud his senses, temporarily numb the pain.

But he didn't need a drink. There was nothing in the world that could make him drunker than he was at the thought of Yukimura. Shiraishi was drunk in so much love for him and nothing could make him sober up from the pain of the death that snatched his lover away.

 

**_It's getting better all the time,_ **

**_It's getting better all the time._ **

 

That was a lie. Death was unfair. Shiraishi felt cheated.

 

**_God, I hope you're happy,_ **

**_Boy, I wish you well,_ **

**_I just might get over you_ **

**_But you can't ever tell_ **

 

The night before Yukimura passed away, he caressed Shiraishi's cheek and asked his lover for one final promise. Yukimura wanted Shiraishi to keep on living, keep on believing in love, even after he was gone. Shiraishi didn't reply and hoped that the cry rising in his throat would die down. He couldn't bring himself to promise that to Yukimura. It hurt too much. The pain was just too real.

A month after his death, Shiraishi sometimes wondered what Yukimura was doing on the other side. Was he watching over Shiraishi? Was he blaming himself that he couldn't stay longer by his lover's side? Shiraishi didn't want Yukimura to see him this way. Maybe he'd try to fulfill that promise. Maybe he'd try to go out and meet someone. But day after day, his resolve to leave the house died down every time he remembered Yukimura's soft voice saying his name; every time he remembered the feel of Yukimura's kisses on his lips. How could Shiraishi get over him when no one could compare, no one could even come close to how perfect Yukimura's love for him had been?

 

**_I always thought I'd do something crazy,_ **

**_If I ever saw you out with someone else,_ **

**_But when the moment came last night,_ **

 

Shiraishi feared he'd go insane if ever Yukimura broke up with him and left him for someone else. But that fear was uncalled for from the beginning of their relationship because Yukimura loved no one else but him. For two years at least, Shiraishi had the assurance that no one could come between them.

But that time had come. Something else took Yukimura away, something shattered their relationship as Shiraishi felt Yukimura slipping through his fingers and he was so powerless to stop it.

 

**_I couldn't say a word,_ **

**_I stood there in the dark all by myself,_ **

**_Yeah I could have said a million things,_ **

**_But all I did was keep it locked inside._ **

 

When they laid Yukimura at his final resting place, Shiraishi kept his distance. He didn't come near to the coffin, he didn't even look inside. He couldn't bear to see the same face he loved so much look so white and so devoid of the life that used to fill him.

Shiraishi stood underneath the canopy of lush leaves in the distance. He watched as the death of the Rikkai Dai captain brought together the different teams in harmony and solemnity as they paid their last respects. From Seigaku to Hyotei, St. Rudolph to Yamabuki, Rokkaku to Higa Chuu, Rikkai Dai to Shitenhouji. Everyone was there, everyone forgetting their rivalries and competition, united in bidding Yukimura a peaceful journey in the afterlife. Atobe even brought a large arrangement of expensive and exquisite flowers to adorn Yukimura's epitaph.

After they lowered his coffin into the grave, Shiraishi turned away before anyone could come up to him and try to talk to him. He didn't feel like talking to anybody, he didn't think anyone could comfort him.

 

**_It's getting better all the time,_ **

**_It's getting better all the time,_ **

**_It's getting better all...the time._ **

 

Shiraishi was never going to forget Yukimura – the way he always looked gentle and smiling; the way he always smelled of sweet sandalwood; the way his skin tasted when they made love. He could remember every single detail about Yukimura – the navy blue of his hair that perfectly matched his eyes; the polished lines of his face; the smooth crook of his neck; the long, thin fingers of his hands; his porcelain complexion.

It wasn't going to get better for Shiraishi, at least not yet. It would only get better when Shiraishi, too, would contentedly breathe his last, knowing that his great love Yukimura awaited him with open arms on the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: "It's Getting Better All the Time" by Brooks & Dunn


	3. And the third is when you achieve the resolution. That's when you know you've reached all three shots of rumination.

A year after Yukimura passed away, Shiraishi was recuperating very slowly, if at all. He was able to go back to his old ways, do his old activities and spend time on other hobbies. But somewhere in his healing heart, he still missed Yukimura. He knew he missed him even more when Shitenhouji attended a special weekend tennis tournament among different participating schools and he saw the familiar black and yellow jersey of the Rikkai Dai team – only this time, Yukimura wasn't around.

Everyone was smart enough not to mention Yukimura or anything related to him, at least not within Shiraishi's earshot. After the match, Shiraishi had a moment with Sanada. He congratulated Rikkai Dai's new captain. He knew that Yukimura would entrust his team only to Sanada and Sanada was not failing Yukimura in the way he led Rikkai Dai.

Two weeks after the tennis tournaments, Shiraishi stayed late behind at the school to discuss training strategies with Watanabe, Shitenhouji tennis club's coach.

That fateful night was foggy as Shiraishi made his way home after the meeting. The streets were deserted and a mist hung on the horizon. Stars weren't visible against the inky blackness of the sky.

Somewhere at the end of the road, he heard a female voice shriek and cried out for help. Sensing that something was probably wrong, Shiraishi rushed forward to the source of the voice. The lamppost on the side of the street illuminated a masked man attacking a student in an attempt to rob her belongings.

Shiraishi knew he had to help the woman. He dashed in and tackled the attacker from behind. The man let go of the woman as he tried to wrestle with Shiraishi.

Shiraishi looked up momentarily at the woman and screamed, "Run! Run away as fast as you can!"

The woman whimpered, "But..."

"Just run away! Now!" Shiraishi screamed back.

The man pushed Shiraishi off and he tumbled hard on the sidewalk. The attacker loomed over Shiraishi as he attempted to get up on his feet. The man moved fast, pulling something out from his pocket and coming towards Shiraishi.

He felt the cold, hard metal against his side, the sharp edge buried deep in his flesh. Shiraishi mustered a deep breath.

His assailant pulled the knife out, eyes widening when he realized what he had done. Blood dripped from the blade, blood was on the perpetrator's hands, there was blood on the ground. The assailant's hands trembled as the knife fell off from his slackening grip and he ran away.

Shiraishi's breathing started to become laboured. The pain in his side intensified as he felt blood spill out of the deep cut, soaking through his clothes. Shiraishi laid against the pavement for a while, getting weaker by the minute, wondering what to do and where to go.

His eyes slowly began to close, the heavy lids falling to shield his cool brown eyes from the glare of the nearby streetlamp.

He tried to move his hand to cover the gaping wound but it did no good. Shiraishi felt helpless. Was this the way it felt like to die?

Shiraishi was sure that if Yukimura had still been alive, he―

Shiraishi's eyes fluttered open.  _Yukimura_. That's right. He had to go to where Yukimura was, the one place that could alleviate his discomfort.

Despite the pain that seared through his whole body, Shiraishi tried to stand up, placing a hand against the rough wall to steady himself. He took a small tentative step forward. The pain shot up in his side and he fell on his knees. His body was protesting any further movement. But he couldn't stop, not now when he knew Yukimura was waiting for him.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Shiraishi was missing from tennis practice. He did not show up at all to school that day. His family was worried. Shiraishi hadn't come home the previous night.

The Shitenhouji team decided to look for him, visiting the places he was most likely to be.

They found him with his face down on Yukimura's epitaph, with a note that said,  _I can't wait to be with Seiichi again_.

They laid him next to Yukimura beneath the willow, while the angels sang a lullaby.

The memorial they held for Shiraishi was short but solemn, a final farewell to the long-suffering captain. Kenya noticed that light grey clouds had gathered and a thin bolt of thunder lit up in the distant sky. "It looks like it's going to rain soon. We'd better get going," Kenya called to the rest of the team.

Kintaro looked back just as the rest of the Shitenhouji team were exiting the cemetery gates. Tears were still forming in his eyes but he could swear there was a hazy white glow surrounding the fresh grave of the former Shitenhouji team captain. His ears caught the sound of a small peal of laughter and he strained to look but there was no one there.

Kintaro was about to turn and leave until he saw misty figures swirling in the periphery of his eyes. He squinted a bit more until the figures, very much like soft swirling smoke, took the forms of two lithe-framed bodies.

Kintaro's mouth dropped open. He couldn't believe his eyes.

The ever-smiling former Rikkai Dai captain sat on the soft grass, his back resting against the trunk of the willow tree. And next to him was Shiraishi, a contented smile on his lips, as he laid his head on Yukimura's lap. Yukimura's hand found its way to Shiraishi's forehead and his fingers began caressing the strands of light brown hair. His free hand found Shiraishi's and their fingers entwined with one another. The two lovers looked at each other, smiling, never uttering a word, but radiating deep, true love.

Kintaro was stunned for a moment until he brought a hand to his face to rub his eyes. When he opened them again, he couldn't find a trace of either Yukimura or Shiraishi. But the lively and innocent Shitenhouji rookie was certain that the lovers were there, reunited in a special place, where the Child of God and his Bible were together once again, for all eternity.

**FIN.**


End file.
